Help me Craigslist, you are my only hope....

Check out my ad!

http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/van/wan/1938255526.html

Fingers crossed.

Thanks for nothing Gordon

World's Worst Home Security Device

So I came home to a relatively unpleasant surprise yesterday.  A cop's business card on my door.  My kicked in door.  Some worthless fucker kicked in my place and took my shit.  My only alarm was my room mates fucking gecko Gordon who doubtlessly watched the fucker(s) tear my place apart.  Do you think he popped out of his cage (sorry Derek, 'terrarium') and called for help or said something witty in a British accent like the one on the Gieco commercials to dissuade the fucker(s) from jacking my stuff?  Not fucking likely.  What did they get?  Cash?  Nope, none in the place.  Laptop.  Nope, it was with me.  What else could they have grabbed?  Hmmmmmm.  Oh yeah, all my Herbal Essence.  Two pounds of the sweetest hydro I have had my hands on in quite some time.  Sooooooo pissed.  So now I have a problem.  And who is going to help me?  Constable Dipshit?  Great.  How's that conversation going to go?

Pig- "So, it appears that you have been the victim of a break and enter."


Me- "Well done, Serpico.  What was your first clue?  The kicked in door?  The call from my landlord?"

Pig- "Can you tell me what's missing?"

Me- "My faith in the system, specifically you, to help me with this problem."

Pig- "From you apartment, sir."

Me- "Oh, just my ipod Nano."

Pig- "I see.  Can you describe it."

Me- "It was silver and black and was likely stolen (karma is a beeeatch).  Does that help?"

Pig- "Mmmm, hmmm.  Well, I am going to pretend that I am actually going to talk to you neighbours and write some stuff down but what I am actually doing is sketching a picture on my report of you sucking your own dick.  How's that sound?"


Me- "Pretty much what I expected.  Hey, since you had left your business card on my door I assume that you checked everything out, called CSI or whatever and headed out for a donut."

Pig- "Affirmative."


Me- "Any chance that when you were looking around you found a few Ziplock freezer bags full of a lot of oregano and decided to keep it for yourself you fat crooked pig?"

So unless it gets back to me who snatched my stash I am fucked.  And fucked over.  And now I need a new Nano.  And the new Nano sucks.

I'm down with DMT, ya you know me...

Has anyone tried DMT?  For real?  A buddy of mine knows this hippie chick from the Drive who swears she's done it a bunch of times.  She says it's waaaaay different than LSD.  I'm no pharmacist but I do know a few recreational chemists, one of whom told me that anti-depressants mimic DMT.  


Now, I do know a thing or two about anti-depressants which, generally speaking, have worked well for me [I'm still here aren't I? :) ].  I've been looking for a bit of consciousness expanding Red Bull lately.  No good LSD out there right now, mushrooms are ok but make me giggle like an idiot more of an idiot than I actually am.  Perhaps I'll try to get a hold of some DMT and see if it's all that...

Free Speech Hall of Fame

Lenny Bruce

George Carlin

Bill Hicks

Casting Call

If you got to pick who played you in a movie, who would you pick?  Do you go for someone you admire as an actor?  What does your selection say about you?  Or do you go for someone that resembles and perhaps acts like you in the spirit of creating the most accurate portrayal?  

Heath Leger

Pros

-some similar facial features

-unbelievable skills

Con

-dead

Jack Nicholson

Pros

-same beady eyes

-similar persona

Con

-too cool

Brad Pitt

Pro

-made the most of opportunities he's had, few missteps

-similar intensity

Con

-too good looking

Eddie Izzard

-similar synaptic functions

-entertaining

Con

-transvestite (not that there's anything wrong with that but I can't walk in heels….long story)

Maybe Johnny Depp is available.  Talk about a dude that has played some of the best characters ever: John Dillinger, George Jung, Hunter S. Thompson...

Going to need a script first...

Strange things are afoot at the Circle A

Not me...

I find myself at a lot of events with self proclaimed anarchists.  Like most people, some are chill, some engaging, some are quite annoying.  In my Gonzo journalistic quest for amusement and fulfilment, I have talked to many anarchists and found we have much in common:  love of personal freedom, love of reading, acrimony towards the state, anti-facism, interest in alternative history and media, environmental issues, and the expansion of personal and collective consciousness.  And many of the women are crazy hot.  "Patriarchist!" shrieks a skinny gentlemen in the Buddy Holly glasses wearing a No Gods No Masters No Showers t-shirt.  Nope.  Not at all.  Simply an observation.  "Objectifier!  Oppressor!"  hollers the unshaven, Rebenesque woman.  Nope.  I simply find that many anarchist women are beautiful creatures and far easier to talk to the men.  For people that advocate tolerance and inclusivity (provided you support what they support), I find it amusing that appearance and presence sets so many of the men ill at easy.  I keep my hair very short and when I do have facial hair I choose to keep it neat and not Amish.  I choose to have no ink (I have yet to find anything compelling or meaningful enough for self decoration) and I chose to let my piercings grow in.  I wearing comfortable clothing but it's laundered and not all black.  Perhaps its because I weigh more than any two of the men.  The looks I get from many straight anarchist men (and some of the gay women) is one that transcends political ideology and sexual orientation:  hey bro, not sure who you are but I don't dig you talking to our women.  Kind of an odd statement for a group that claims to be so down with feminism and polyamory.  No worries ladies and gentlemen, your women can take care of themselves.   

Funny shit

This is one of the few comedians I have never watched while stoned.  No particular reason, just never worked out that way.  Like most things in life, stand up is way funnier when you are nicely toasted.  No herb required to enjoy Brian Regan.  Check him out.